Autumn colours

Photo challenge: Happy Place

I can’t believe that I haven’t posted since January. January. That feels like a lifetime ago.

But isn’t there a saying along the lines of, “When life gets busy, blogging takes a backseat”? I think I just made that up actually, but you get the gist.

Motherhood has been a crazy wonderful ride all on its own, add to the mix a photography course, a fiction writing course and freelance writing, you can see why there’s been a lack of blog posts.

Since I’ve missed it though, I decided to get back at it with the most recent Photo Challenge on WordPress; Happy Place.

Spring is my favourite season but, I love taking photos in Autumn. Autumn colours make me happy, being outdoors surrounded by Autumn colours makes me happy. So here’s a recent photo I took in our garden in Amman, Jordan.

Autumn colours


When home isn’t where your heart is.

home_is_where_the_heart_is_by_pixie_punk-d3edxh7The thought of home evokes different emotions and images for different people, and whether it’s the lingering smell of baked bread or the dull hum of a lawn mower on a Saturday morning, home is subjective.

But when I think of home I’m overwhelmed by a flood of mixed feelings and a blank canvas, with a flurry of images just beyond my line of vision.

Home has always been intangible to me. If home is where the heart is then pieces of my heart are scattered in different countries and, simultaneously, right here in Jordan.

I’ve been thinking of ‘home’ lately because I haven’t been to Cape Town since 2012. When I’m asked the question, “When are you visiting?” a part of me wishes I was there and another part of me is overcome with trepidation by just the thought of being there again.

Don’t get me wrong, Cape Town is wondrous in its beauty; the mountains, the greenery, the beaches. If Cape Town was a person it would have a lilt in its voice and warmth in its smile.  It is not the place but rather the bucket-full of bad memories that are held there, that make me hesitant to go back. Think of those memories as matchsticks and my mind as the matchbox; when put together they’re able to set things ablaze. And sometimes I fear that the very thing that’ll be set alight is my sanity.

Cape Town is a keeper of many memories of mine and when I compare the person I was then to the person I am now, I see my past-self as fragile porcelain hiding behind a façade of bravado. In layman’s terms: trying to hold your shit together whilst the thread of your mind is unraveling.

The last time I was there I was on medication and in therapy. The last time I was there I couldn’t leave the house without swallowing pills. The last time I was there I was a work in progress.

But that was then, and this is now.  I’m not the same person that I was then and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. There are people in Cape Town that my heart will always be attached to [Hi, Mom!] People that I’ve laughed with, cried with, grown with and it is memories of those people and what we’ve been through that made me decide to visit later this year.

If everything comes down to choice, then I choose to let positive thoughts overcome all the negativity because, damnit, I miss my crazy family and the most beautiful city on Earth.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

See you soon, Cape Town.


Beautiful cherry tree in Winter.

Seasons [Photo-post]

Have a great weekend, guys <3

Welcome to the ‘hood.

I met my daughter nearly seven months ago.

Since then, I’ve been asked, “What does it feel like to be a mom?” I’ve been asked that question countless times these past few months and an answer is still difficult to put into words.

I could say it’s the purest form of love I’ve ever felt. But love is abstract and that sentiment doesn’t quite convey how I feel.

Before becoming a mom, I imagined what it would be like but imagining this journey and experiencing it are two completely different things. Imagination, no matter how vivid, can’t capture the emotions you feel when you meet your child for the first time or see them smile for the first time or hear them laugh for the first time and every time for that matter.

Maybe there’s an emotion that hasn’t been coined yet. Felt yes, but it’s such an intense feeling that there is no word for it. That’s how it feels to be a mother: An intense emotion that can’t be confined or defined linguistically.

There’s this notion that before finding romantic love you are half of a whole, that your significant other completes you.

I don’t believe in that. I believe that you are, or should be, a whole person before committing to someone else. If you’re broken, or unhappy or unfulfilled, you’re the only person who can fill those voids, those gaps. You’re the only one who can fix you.

Do I believe in romantic love and soul mates? Yes, I do. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be married to my husband who happens to be my best friend, confidante, partner in crime [you get the gist]. But he is not a part of me in a sense that without him I am broken. [Heartbroken, yes, but that’s different.]

Being a mother completes me. Now, let me explain that before I get jumped on by an angry mob that sees motherhood as banal because, ‘any woman can push out a baby’

My daughter lived inside of me for nine months. I hadn’t met her yet but I loved her with a fierce love since she was the size of a grain of sand. I say that she completes me because she was, and is, a part of me. Her happiness is my happiness.  It’s hard to believe that my body nourished this tiny being, but it did.

I have never loved anyone as fiercely or with such intensity as I love my daughter. My heart doesn’t soar the way it does when I look at her nor am I as calm and content as I am when I’m with her.

I have never felt that my life was so irrevocably and inextricably connected to another as it is to my daughter. It’s an odd thing, to have your life look so different to what it was like before, yet it’s almost as though your previous life never really existed. As though you were only half the person you were meant to be, or as though you were lucid dreaming the entire time. Because, in all honesty, I can’t picture my life without her.  And that’s what I mean by, ‘being a mother completes me.’

I’ve specifically not spoken about giving birth and what it was like for me postpartum and the simple answer is this: It feels like a brag. I’ve been on a high since I’ve given birth and no one wants to hear things like that. Giving birth can be extremely difficult for many women and the baby blues, postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis are very real conditions. I’ve also not given any ‘mommy advice’ because, let’s face it, everyone hates that and nothing starts a war like a mommy debate.

I will say this though: I’m happy.

And I hope that you are too :)

“Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.”

With regard to International Women’s Day yesterday, I thought I would write this blog post because this particular topic has been on my mind for quite some time. I’d even go as far as saying that this topic has been on my mind since High School, because most girls didn’t like me and I wondered why.

But what prompted me to write this post is the Facebook statuses and Instagram photos with their Women’s Day captions dedicated to women everywhere yesterday. The disparity between the posts I saw yesterday and the posts I see every other day is the reason this blog post won’t be a typical Women’s Day post because this issue has been going on for too long.

As human beings we have the capacity to encourage and support one another, to be united rather than divided and to celebrate our diversity rather than mock what is different to our own norms.

I found it beautiful and inspiring to see women celebrating one another; as mothers, sisters, daughters and also as doctors, lawyers, teachers etc; women celebrating women for the sacrifices they’ve made and for encompassing many roles within society. I found it beautiful and inspiring, but also ironic.

I found it ironic because every single day women post judgmental comments on social networking sites that are hurtful and malicious.  Whether it is judging another women’s lifestyle, fashion sense or what food she prefers on a Friday night, those catty remarks are everywhere.


For every negative comment there are a hundred more showing love and support but, why the negativity in the first place?

One thing in particular that bothers me is that we as women are always saying that we should not be put into boxes, that we as women can be and do anything. But what I’ve found is that many women’s definition for ‘be and do anything’ is limited to what they think should be the definition for all women. Opinions and different perspectives are passed off as ‘correct’ lifestyle choices and anyone outside of this lifestyle choice is judged harshly.

We’re either seen as too soft and not assertive enough, or too assertive and not soft enough. Women who choose to have children from the age of 35 and up are seen as selfish whereas women who choose to have children earlier are seen as unambitious. Here’s my take on it: having children does not make you a woman. Neither does having a job. And both are not mutually exclusive.

I find it insulting when women degrade the role of a mother, because, essentially, you’re degrading your own mother. I also find it insulting when women’s dreams are seen as invalid and unattainable for whatever reason. And again I ask, why all the negativity? A better question would be, why is all this negativity coming from and directed at women?

Why don’t we support each other for the different roles we play? Why don’t we value each other’s worth in society instead of putting every other woman who is different to us into a box, on a shelf, labelled, “disappointment.”

We all have different ambitions and definitions of success. Everyone’s path to happiness is paved in their own way and what makes one of us happy can’t be said for all of us.

So, as beautiful and inspiring as the posts were yesterday, why can’t this be done every day?

NYE dessert <3

Photos are memories frozen in time. [Photo-post]

While I was on a very long blogging hiatus I took many photos, most of which I’ve shared over Instagram or Facebook. This is a short photo-post that I thought I’d share with all of you :)