Lately I’ve been wondering what it is that makes me a writer, if I can even call myself that. I don’t get paid to do this but I do it because writing is an integral part of who I am; without it I don’t know how else I would be able to express myself.
I find writing to be reflective and therapeutic; reading past journals gives me an objective perspective on myself that I doubt I’d have without them. It’s also a form of escapism to me; I lose myself in fictional worlds that I create, forming bonds with characters I invented. But most of all, writing has helped me overcome many difficulties, as well as help me connect with others.
I have a problem trusting and opening up to people, and I find that writing letters to convey how I feel is sometimes the only way to express my emotions, especially with family. During difficult times people have found me to be stoic; devoid of emotion because I would shrug everything off. In reality though, my mind would be racing with a million things to say but not a word would pass my lips. Not even a whisper because I know I’ll end up in tears, and one of my worst fears is that I’ll be seen as weak or vulnerable; traits I don’t want anyone to associate with me.
Because of that writing has become my constant companion, conveying to others what I can’t in a way that I wish I could. Writing has been my solace since I was a child and, as strange as it may seem, may very well be my solace if I live up to 70 years old.
I’ve always felt that everyone has a talent, whether it’s drawing or ice-skating, it’s something that not everyone can do as well as them. But writing? Everyone can write. They’re words put in a certain order on paper. At least that’s what the critic in me says which prompted me to write this post. But if there’s one thing that I hope, it’s that my writing is not just words on paper. As much as I hate being seen as vulnerable, this is vulnerability at its best. Whether writing is a talent that you’re born with or a skill you have to hone it over time, or a combination of both, I feel that is what makes me a writer. I have an insatiable hunger for it that continues to grow rather than dissipate.
So I’ll always write, on days where I doubt myself as well as days where I believe in myself, unwaveringly.
Because that’s who I am.